easy way out .

through a text message .
i guess that just shows how much i was really worth to you .

untitled .

im blogging to vent this frustration that i dont know what to do with .
i dont know who to direct it towards , who to go to , & i dont even know if its worth writing about .
but this is all i've got for the mean time ..

once again , im back in a hole that i feel like i've been in once too many times before .
i go through a streak of independence & being on my own , while at the same time balancing a love life as best as i can , trying not to get use to too much of either one .
for a while , i spent most of my time focusing on only myself while a person i love was some what neglected .
i was partially aware of it at the time , & didnt completely discard his feelings , but i guess i wasnt there enough .
i grew to be more understanding , tried changing , & yet it still wasnt enough at the time .
without noticing , my focus became all on him , & less of myself .
now that its not needed , & things have changed , i've already become use to the change i made that i thought he needed , only to find out that it feels like i did it for nothing .
its getting harder and harder for me to keep changing , & i miss the feeling of not having to worry about another person .
when i dont have anyone , i have trouble accepting the fact that im alone , & i ponder on y i miss being in a relationship , then end up getting into one psyching myself out as if i want to be in one when i truely dont .
& when i do have someone , i still have trouble accepting the fact that i actually have someone , & start to feel like what i have is too good to be true , & end up having my guard up for too long , until i contribute to the relationship falling .

is this because i have trust issues..? half true .
i think that partially , at times , i do have trust issues .
but i guess its just a matter of learning not to get use to any type of feeling or state .
all of it is in my head . i need to learn to keep my mind & heart separate .
i believe that at times , my mind is stronger than my heart . its much more intellegent , & can see past everything .
but my heart weakens me , & uses emotions to bring me down .
letting my heart go is what causes my brain to think other wise , & THIS is where the sleepless nights come from .
i just want to put my heart in a box for a while , & not let anyone get to it for the mean time ..
til im mentally ready , & strong enough to see right throught all of this drama ..
but until then... i love you with all my heart .

jedi mind tricks ?

this mind game is fuckin wit me .
i cant fuken sleep . wuddafuxup?!
why must we go through thisssss now .
ughh .

rock bottom .

we've hit it, & this time i dont know how to fix this .
im trying hard to find the positive in vibes so negative comin from you , but its discouraging .
im stronger than that , so im not giving up on all that we've built .
& just like when you held on for us when i had my doubts , i'll be your other half & hang on for us til you stand up again .
so for what its worth.. happy 9 babe.



-- deuces .