i sent a secret prayer up above ...

& put my heart away ...
so that you could be free ...

for our hard times ..

its always "later" , "uh huh" , "okay whatever" , as if this time apart between us will make it better ..
im waiting for yer call in the late hours of the night , hoping you'd come around , give in , & make it right .
& when i mention anything , you cant help but explode . why is it when we talk , you switch to defensive mode ?
we talk about change , but the moment has yet to come ; cuz wen we hit rock bottom , we're quick to leave & run .
all i want is love baby , help to make us grow . we connect on levels that nobody else knows .
you lift me to my highest , & bring me to my lows ; but thats just hard proof that we grew to be so close .
im working every day , tryna figure how to please you ; i even wrote this song hopin' maybe it'll reach you .
& i didnt write this to attack you . it isnt your fault boo . i know im a handful .
i could be sensitive , i could have my days .. but whats a relationship without a little pain ?
at times i drive you crazy , theres times when im slow ; we tear each other down , rebuild , and then we grow .
on a rollercoaster of emotions , going thru the motions ; crash & burn , then we laugh & then learn .
we aint perfect , but i could feel it in my heart that yer worth it , & i felt it from the start from the first kiss .
so every second you dont call , i feel it hurtin .
i know for certain that im deeply into you ; if yer gone one moment , im missin you ...



-- deuces .

my electric heart ...

Doctor , doctor . Pardon me but .. Do you feel my electric heart beat ?
I need a jumpstart , he's what I need .
Here's the symptoms , this is what I mean ,
I see flashes of dots and circles ; I look up and the sky is purple .
I'm like a car with frozen gears , I can't move , is it just cold in here ?
but when he's around I feel much better . he raises my power levels .
All I need is the scent of his fumes , a few seconds later inside , my heart booms .

So doc , any meds you can give me ? For feelin' faint, abnormally dizzyblue, yellow, and red, they all look the same .
my joints are locked but when I see his face , it gets warmer .
and my sickness is cured . high volts surge like time square in New York ,
Passes through me like the windy Bay shores .
Doc, can you figure out what's going on? the gears in my heart they start to roll , the rush of the blood then starts to flow ;
electricity pumps and sparks my soul , the weight falls down like December Snow ;

Doctor, doctor . Pardon me, but , do you feel my electric heart beat ?
I need a jumpstart, he's what I need .
here's the symptoms, this is what I mean ;
my breath is short, chills at night but when he's here I feel alright ;
but when he's not I feel unhealthy . what kind of drugs in the world can help me ?when Electricty sparks when I hear him and the cure seems so much clearer , and the voltage breaks through the meters .
imagine the push everytime that I'm near him .
I'm alive . I feel so human again .
so Doctor, what can you prescribe me then ?
when he's the one thing that'll give me that spark , to power my electric heart .
my electric .. my electric .. my electric heart .

iLY[JDR]



--deuces ..

bright :)

these past couple days have been going pretty well .
finally started work again yesterdayyy & have already gotten 160 hours in ! =] woohoo
so , looks like i have a big check on the way . hopefully .

broskee turns big , bad , 13 on fridaaayy .
& lunch wit the whoooole fam at seafood port on saturday !
mmmm , gooood ! =]
looks like theres going to be a good weekend up ahead ? yeee !

hopefully tomorrow's full day of work passes by fast ...
i've only been working for 2 days & im already tired .
but , im tryna get all the work i can get from the company before they go belly up . :(
times have changed & things are alot harder . who knows when i'll get another job after this one ...
i guess all i can do is hope for the best like i've been doing ..

anyway , things are slowly , but surely starting to run much smoother & better as time passes . no complaints , & im glad that the sun is finally starting to shine through everything .
lets hope that things STAY that way ..


POTD:








-- deuces .

:)

Feb.14 -- started out pretty gayyy... but i ended up getting to go to the concert with Joseph :)
it was amazing & i had sooooo much fun . couldnt have pictured it anyy better !



its kinda crazy how when i think back , one year from now , as time moved on , it felt like time was passing me by soooooooooo slow... & now that i think about it , it seems like it passed by so quickly .
i guess its true when they say time flies when yer having fun :)
cuz a lot of fun , is definately what im having ! =]

Feb.15 -- didnt do much during the day , then took a trip to West Co. to chill there for the night . ate , watched the all star game , wit the Tungols & Jo0oshwahh . then Tiff , Maii , Juan , Tita , & Mamalou FINALLYYYY got there . after they arrived , we all took a trip to the boba place , they ended up running outta boba. MERRR . lol so we went to Shooters instead :)
that was pretty funnnn . i wanna go with Joseph one weekend to play , & then take pics at CUE! afterrr =]

Today -- nothing much so far... gunna see my boo laterr :) so thats a guaranteed good dayyy today ! =]




-- deuces .

fuck a hypocrite .

i fuckin hate how shit is not okay when i do something , but yet when someone else does they expect me to be okay with it .
i get accused of shit that HE's fuckin doing , & its okay for him to do it but not me ? the fuckkk ?
fuuuuuuuuuuckk thaaaaaaaaat shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit .
things dont work that way , if you can do it , i can do it TOO .
everybody meet MS. ME TOOOOO !

boy, i need you to meet me half way ; if you want me to be with you ...



--deuces .

flabbergasted .

this feeling is killing me .
i cant sleep ..
i know im not feeling this way for nothing...
theres gotta be a reason why im feeling so insecure .
its not just a gut feeling.. its the whole meeee .
i may be wrong sometimes when it comes to arguements ...
but my intuitions & feelings are ALWAYS right ..
ughhh . i just wanna know already .
what the fuck dont i know ??
what the fuck hasnt been said ??
what the fuck is going on ?!
what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?! what is it ?!

this sucks . badly .
i swear . i better not be played as a fool ; i know that for sure ..

anyway... since i couldnt sleep , i've been up thinking non stop , so i drew to keep my mind off shit for as long as i could ..
idk wut else im going to do for now ...
but ughh... im just so overwhelmed...
boyy , ohhh boyy ... i think i feel a storm up ahead ; if ya know wut i mean ...
on a side note.. here's tonight's drawinggg .






--deuces .

hmm...

pretty interesting day...
started off pretty smoothly... then hit a lil speed bump.. then we rode it out pretty nicely..

had fun at the park for a few hours
then went to the store =] haha .

i had alot of fun today...
he has his scrunchies back on... BUT..
something's missing, somethings wrong... something doesnt feel right..
idk wut it is... its gotta be something tho.. or else i wouldnt feel like this.
cuz im psychic. i ALWAYS find out everyyyyything. may not be now, tomorrow, or later. but it'll come..
time reveals EVERYTHING ...



--deuces .

insomnia .

got off the phone early wit joseph tonight cuz he didnt bring his phone charger to his cousin's house .
but we talked for a couple hours , so im glad :) .
on a side note .. he use to constantly tell me he loves me . now its pretty rare to hear him tell me .
are we moving backwards or forwards ? hmm...
i'll put that thought on hold ..

talked to bootrryy for a lil while wen he came home from work , then he went to sleep shortly after .
its been a while since we've chopped it uppp . hopefully we get to soon though .
but still , P&B forever & a daaayyy :]

still couldnt go to sleep , so i decided to watch Marley & Me .
i just finished it & boyyyy ohhh boyy ...
if yer a dog lover , it'll for sure bring a few tears to yer eyes .

alrighty , time to kill the rest of this water bottle , & off to sleep town i gooooo .
finaaaallly , right ?



--deuces .

the weekend .

friday was pretty koo .
joseph & i didnt do much , but i still had a good time just kickin back , chillin alllllll daaayyy even tho i aint paid . lol

saturday he took me to the beach with BiGG BiGG , even tho it was cold as shat !
me & BiGG sat on the rocks while we both watched joseph search for starfish in the water . =)
mine was orange , & his was brown...
after , we went to petco to see if we could find any cute clothes for BiGG to wear , but had no luck ..
once we got home , we dried out the 2 starfish with the blow dryers for what seemed to be forrrreeevvverrrr , but as soon as we finished , they both came out looking really pretty !
well... joseph's ended up getting soggy for some reason.. merr? idk why tho .
but on the bright side , mine turned out dopeee .
so after all that , we went to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button .
goooood movie , BUT wack ass ending . smh . i still think it was worth the 3 hours tho .
after a looooooooong day/night we finally got home, but couldnt fall asleep cuz we were itchy as fuckkk !

todaaayy , BiGG FINAAAALLYYYY got groomed.. his skin is alot better, but hes been sleeping like the whole dayyy.. lol
joseph & i spent most the day drawing & listening to music .
then ry, ateh, & jay came over til they had to leave to pick up uncle cesar & tita bing from the airport .
& of course, as i thought , joseph & i ended up fighting like ALWAYS .
smh . no matter WHAT or how good we do , we always seem to end up fighting about somethinggggg . ugh .

whatever . im not gunna even stress it anymore , & im not gunna put anymore energy into this fighting bullshit .
i dont have time to be dwelling on small shit .
cry me a river , build a bridge , & GET OVER iT . im not fighting over dumb shit anymore .


--deuces.

some people think love is foolish , while others think its a game

but i think that love is a fire , & im burnin up in your flames .. <3


anyway . just thought i'd put this throwback up cuz i dont have any fresh bars at the moment & im too lazy to keystyle .

[ i've decided to resign from speakin' my mind , //
so i put it in lyrics to express it through rhymes . //
it sort of caught me off guard by the way things turned out , //
time has finally revealed to me what yer all about . //
i thought things would be different , you had my hopes up high , //
but it just comes to show , yer just like those other guys . //
you said you were different , said that there werent any others ; just me & you //
i know you tried to hide it , & expect me to believe all that were true . //
but listen nigga , im through . //
through with the lies , the games , i dont need yer excuse //
cuz nows the time for me to chuck up that DEUCE . //
so go on & be a savage cuz them bitches you fucks wit is average ; they'll never be me //
dont worry , i aint trippin , theres plenty dick in the sea . // haha
its funny how you thought you could be smarter , & that i'd never find out //
i shudda listened to all the homies when they all had their doubts . //
but i trusted you , loved you , did all i can to make things work //
& in return , you did me dirty & put me through this hurt . //
so now its time for me to leave this relationSHIT behind , //
& although u did me grimey , that shit dont phase me , cuz you cant knock my grind . // ]

ok , so now that thats through , on to the "blogging" .
hmm.. tomorrow is fridayy ! yeeeee !
fingers crossed for a good weekend up ahead .
so far , how far i've fallen , i feel like its actually crampin' my swagg . dengg .
i have nothing to lose tho . so im still makin moves .
that nigga's brain is so ludacris , when i "uhhhh" , i call it release therapy . you feeeeel me..?
ADDiCTiON . mmmm... cant wait til tomorrow !

i think thats all for the mean time .


--deuces.

bored .

im bored with my life .
feels like theres so much to do in so little time .
something new needs to happen .

superbowl sunday was pretty fun although it could have been better..
none the less , im glad that the steelers scored that touch down with the last 35 seconds left in the game .

so far , this week has been breezing on by with no problems ..
valentine's day is coming up , it lands on a saturday ; best of all days ..
but yet , i have no valentine .. well , i do , but im not going to even be spending the day with him .
isnt the point of Valentine's day supposed to mean you spend the day with your "valentine" ??
whats the point in having one if yer not gunna spend it wit that person ?
ugh . i dont even know anymore .
i feel like im torn in half & i dont know which way to go ..
cuz im damned if i do , & im damned if i dont . so im fucked either way .
& i know whatever decision i choose , it'll wreck my brain for a cool ass minute & i'll eventually get over it , but im just so tired of constantly having to "get over it" .
i've made my mistakes in the past , but quickly & thoroughly , i made the changes necessary in order for things to go right .
when is it my turn for someone to do the same ?
is it because my expectations are too high..? honestly i dont even think i ask for much ..

right now , i feel like i wanna just get awayyy from everything .
a chance to forget about whats going on in my life . forget about school , family , friends , emotions , & definately feelings .
just take me to a place where no one knows me , wont indulge in my past ; fuck what happened before .
to give someone a chance ... a chance to get to know the REAL me .. not the one who is concerned about every move she makes , or who constantly has her guard up .
i miss the old me .. why do i feel like no one appreciates me ?
the world doesnt revolve around me . but sometimes i feel like even my real friends take me for granted .

ok .. this is blog is getting way too emo . i think thats a sign to end it here .
my emo streaks only lead me to anger . i dont make very good decisions based on anger .


--deuces .

STiLL chasing pavements...?

seems like it...
things are changing ; fast .

"if you wanna leave, i wont beg you to stay. // & if you gotta go, maybe its better that way. //
just walk out that door & see if i care. // but dont turn around, // cuz yer gunna see my heart breaking."

now back on track .
last night's birthday dinner for ateh's 24th bday went pretty well. i didnt eat as much as i planned, but i guess, in the end, thats a good thing lol.

after the dinner, Ry & I picked up Joseph & Carlos(?) . i think thats his name... nehh. -_-
we didnt really do much, just killed time; but i wouldnt have had it any other wayyy.
time doing nothing with joseph is better than time doing something with anyone else. =) <3
randomly, i met "Bowser" for the first time. that was pretty koo. hes a cutie!
but anyway.. for all the unanswered questions, & ponders...
my status: pending...
sooo, i'll leave this subject for another day , another bloggggg .

havent seen the Long Beach StreetFam in a while.. i miss you guys.
hopefully i'll see you all soon. WOW niggaaaa! WOW!! hahahaha

still deciding on Thizznyland for later this month. we'll see how that turns out..
so many flakers in need of head & shoulders ; you feel me ?

baaaahhhh... so much to write about, i dont even know where to begin.
its been a while since i've really chopped it up on here . so i guess today's a good day to lay it all out & get it off my chest .
not that i dont have room on it .. *wink wink* LMFAO jk.
ok ok, serious....

things are still a bit fucked up... but we're making progress.. i think. we've been way worse, so right now, we're on easy streets..
[ wanna take it back to the day when we first met, if i could, i'd start all over again.. our love is my regret.
should've known then, what i know now. dying every second that yer not around.. ]
im in a writing type of moooood. "ARE Y0U iN THAT M00D YET?!" --hahahah yes i am!!
before, it was always a hit & miss type of thing wit me & joseph.. we'd have a good day, then a bad day, on & off type shit..
we get along alot better now, than we did before. i mean.. we've had one fight since then, but friday's fight wasnt even really that serious. to me at least.. gah.. idk.
im trying my hardest to avoid getting into petty fuken fights with his ass, so i've been listening to the simple things hes been wanting me to do, & i havent bitched about every little thing that bothers me. its not a problem wit me. im just hoping he doesnt take advantage & start thinking im not gunna act upon the shit that i dont like.
this new me, has been going smoothly. but once he makes me feel like im a fool, im definately dippin out.
cuz dont get me wrong, i love him & everything, but if hes not willing to put in the effort like how he did before, then fuck it.
it'll hurt me, & it'll hurt to move on, but i'll eventually get there no doubt, & im sure theres plenty others i'll get to choose from if he doesnt want it.
but im putting in effort with him that i wouldnt just do for anyone.. i hope he sees that.
anyway.. i can write all fucken day bout this situation... but im not gunna sit there & do that.. cuz the more i think about it, the more impatient & i get, & the more mad i get about it. ugh. so what-the-fuck-everrr !
we fucken act like we're together, & do everything as if we're together, BUT WE'RE NOT !! SO WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
how long is this gunna keep going?!?! EITHER WE'RE TOGETHER OR NOT!!! GODAMNIT !! WTF!! UGH!!
ok.. im get too mad. thats enuff. small case of tourettes right there. lol

so for the last of it... i'll end wit a couple bars..

[ lately.. i wish i could knww the thoughts of your mind. //
cuz lately... its as if you only want me sometimes... //
my insecurity is taking over me.. i need to know where we stand.. //
is this a symptom of us falling out of love..?? what happened to the romance..? //
i thought i was yer only one? i came second to none. //
i wish i didnt love you so much sometimes.. //
then i wouldnt be so mad about what i thought we HAD..//
i wish i didnt love you so much sometimes.. // ]

[ i see the couples all walkin by, feel like i dont wanna be alone today.. //
so glad no one can see what i hide deep inside, & how it feels to be //
the girl who never gets the right guy, tell me why..? when theres so much i've got to give. //
i wake up reachin out, in the night, ready to hold him tight til i realize.. that nobody is there.. //
i know that i am worthy of what i've been wishing for, i cant wait no more.. //
but its no where to be found... //
when will it be me..? when will i be the one somebody's dreaming of..? //
when's it gunna be..? when will i find my heart lying inside the arms that never lets me go..? //
i'd really like to know.. when will it be me..? // ]


..i need you to meet me half way.. if you want me to be with you.

--deuces .