wonder why

just the other day, i was sittin by the phone waitin for you to call ...
right then, i realized; never deserved for you to use my love & put it on hold ..
never ever thought i'd ever give you up; but i, gotta break the habit, cuz i've had enough..
you know that you did wrong, dont you try to play it off; i'll be gone..
only thing i need to know is: why...?

i wonder why: you never had my back,
& you tried hard to act like you never lied..
when i called you a thousand times, boy you aint right..
& so its time.. that i make a sudden change..
you can wonder why: why the pillow is cold on the other side at night.

i've come to far by now; i dont regret you, but im glad i finally found my way..
now that time has passed, boy, you can see your mistakes..
wish it didnt take for you to lose me to change..
everything is how its supposed to be, they say that time heals everything..
we'll see...

if you ever need a friend in the future, i'll do my best to be there, i wont hurt ya..
just leave the past where it belongs,
& i forgive you, even though you did me wrong ..

Reminder .

Things to Remember :

remember that today, you feel like crying.
remember that today, you're unbelievably hurt.
remember that today & the past couple weeks, you've cried too many tears & tried too hard.
remember that all your efforts lead to rejection.
remember the piercing feeling in your chest right now.
remember that the piercing feeling in your chest makes it unspeakably hard to breathe.
remember HEARTBREAK.

Shattered .

straight from the bottom of my heart .


listen to me, wanna tell you what i feel.. //
i never ever thought i'd be the one to feel those feelings that i never thought i had.. //
cuz everything you felt is never coming back //
my heart's alone out there.. //
i wanna tell you, but i'm too damn scared.. //
theres no return, another lesson learned.. //
& i'm so, so, tired.. //
you use to look at no one else... //
i'm that girl.. that you're tryna put back on the shelf.. //
you never showed me, you never told me, why you.. //

shattered, shattered, shattered my heart.. //
when you broke it, you bought it.. //
why did you break my heart..? //

so listen to me. //
let me tell you what i mean... //
i'm outta time, i'm outta heart, i'm outta me //
i gave up everything i had //
& now i'm living in the past.. //
things got so hot, you were so cold.. //
why cant you see that i got no where left to go..? //
theres no return, another lesson learned.. //
& i just wish you knew that you..//
you were that guy.. //
who always had the words to say.. //
you were that guy.. //
that i thought would never get away.. //
you never showed me, you never told me, why you.. //

shattered, shattered, shattered my heart.. //
when you broke it, you bought it.. //
why did you break my heart..? //

unexpected .

today was something different ..
this past week ive been feeling that things btwn you & i havent been the same since thanksgiving.
u claim that there isnt anything different, but i think we both know thats not true.
it is different, & its you.
i did a lot of thinking last night ..
& this morning i woke up feeling different than all the other days this past week ..
all the other days i felt down , needy , & craving for affection ; only to get the opposite from you .
but this morning , i didnt feel that way ..
right before i started to blog , i woke up from a dream filled with emotions that felt so real ..
i dreamt that i started developing feelings for someone else , & was no longer feeling down , needy , & craving for affection cuz i was getting it from "him" & not even realizing it ..
i'm not gunna lie , dreaming about something like that & it feeling so real , scares me .
all my focus has litterally been on us , & betterin things , but for some reason i dont feel the same effort coming from you as i use to .
its ironic how now that i'm trying , yer sitting back .
i'll admit .. u did it for a long time for me .. but i dont kno how long i can last doing what feel like ALONE .
my focus is on YOU . i wanna fix everything before there comes a chance for someone else to interrupt .

i hope my dream wasnt as serious as it feels ...



--- via my Blackberry 8900

blah .

Since u wanna disregard how i feel about things, just because u think i'll eventually get over it, fine. Just remember thats how u wanted things to be, & thats how u treated me when i was tryna change & better things.

the vibes ive been gettin from you discourage me.
all this negativity brings out the worst in me.

im starting to feel like maybe i should think twice about the changes im making before they really start to set in.
it seems as if i have forgotten about what happened when i put myself in this type of position in the past .
i dont wanna go through that , nor do i wanna get close to feeling like that ever again .

now is my time to back off .
i've come far enough . its time you meet me half way .

So now, we're at the point where we dnt talk on the phone at night anymore.. We talk on bbm instead.

Yea... Thats awesome... Real awesome..
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

another one of those nights .

so again, its just one of those nightsss ..
Seems like now a days yer always "sleepy"..
Theres a slight change in you.. i'm sensing somethin negative in the change..
But idk.. I dont feel like digging into it.
The disappoitment in the obvious is enuff. Finding more disappointment in the hidden isnt what i need right now.

Tomorrow is my first official day at work.
i'm kinda excited. i dont really know wut to expect, so i'm hoping by not having any expectations would be a good thing.
I kinda wanted to talk about my day, about tomorrow, all that good stuff..
But i guess me wanting to talk in the night time all the time is an inconvenience to the person i usually turn to..
To be honest.. These are the times where i really begin to miss certain things.
But i dont feel like getting into that right now..
All i need to worry about is preparing myself for what lies ahead..
I feel something bad coming along. Not soon. But soon enough.
But after, something really good is gunna happen for me.
Just a premonition tho. Could be right, could be wrong.
i'm hoping for the best tho.
I feel like somethings missing but i dont know what it is.
I feel like i'm lacking something that i desparately need right now, but idk wut it is...
I need that someone to show me what i'm missing.
Ugh.